Taxonomy of Vapidus sanguisuga (Common Name: The Vainglory Leech)  

*** Photo of the Vainglory Leech in the wild coming soon!

Kingdom:  

Animalia  

Phylum:  

Chordata (though skeletal structure warps under the weight of both silicone and audacity)  

Class:  

Mammalia (allegedly—displays marsupial-like pouch behavior for storing vape pens and grievance politics)  

Order:  

Demagoguia (a clade defined by weaponized illiteracy and faux-outrage pheromones)  

Family:  

Clouticidae (organisms that subsist on viral moments and unearned notoriety)  

Genus:  

Vapidus (Latin for "empty," referencing both her rhetoric and the Guese Vape clouds)  

Species:  

V. sanguisuga (a bloodsucker that runs on nicotine and stolen spotlight) 

 

Description & Behavior:  

Vapidus sanguisuga, the "Vainglory Leech," is a perpetually reclining grifter whose existence depends on manufactured scandal and vape-exhalation theatrics. Often found in a state of performative seduction—chest propped, lips pursed—she mistakes vape clouds for charisma and Twitter feuds for governance.  

Key Adaptations:  

• Gaseous Deception: Exhales thick Guese Vape smokescreens to obscure lack of legislative accomplishments.  
• Mammary Mimicry: Uses exaggerated secondary sexual characteristics to distract from tertiary cognitive functions.  
• Theater Gland: Secretes performative outrage during election cycles or when cameras are near.  

Ecological Impact:  

Clogs the arteries of democracy with empty rhetoric and vape-juice runoff. Primary habitat includes gun ranges, anti-LGBTQ+ rallies, and the front row of Beetlejuice musicals.  

Control Measures:  

• Fact-Based Repellent: Flees when confronted with unedited C-SPAN footage of her voting record.  
• Natural Predators: Journalists with follow-up questions, constituents who can spell "omnibus."