Taxonomy of Inflatus sanguisuga (Common Name: Subsidy Sucker)

 

Kingdom:

Animalia  

Phylum:

Chordata (though skeletal integrity is compromised by excessive corporate welfare)  

Class:

Mammalia (despite exhibiting larval dependency on taxpayer funds)  

Order:

Oligarcha (a clade defined by wealth-hoarding and regulatory capture)  

Family:

Rentieridae (organisms that profit from rent-seeking rather than productivity)  

Genus:

Inflatus (Latin for "bloated," referencing both ego and subsidized net worth)  

Species:

I. sanguisuga (literally "bloodsucking inflator")  

Description & Behavior:  

Inflatus sanguisuga, colloquially known as the "Subsidy Sucker," is a parasitic billionaire whose survival depends on syphoning public funds while simultaneously decrying "socialism." Recent reports confirm that despite laying off 50% of Tesla’s workforce to "cut costs," I. sanguisuga successfully lobbied for $6 billion in federal grants for "AI infrastructure."  

Key adaptations include:  

• Proboscis: A specialized snout for inserting itself into government stimulus programs.  
• Defensive Mechanisms: Emits clouds of "free speech absolutism" to distract from its reliance on subsidies.  
• Reproductive Strategy: Clones itself via unchecked acquisition (see: Twitter bankruptcy, rebranded as "X Corp 2.0").  

Ecological Impact: 

I. sanguisuga drains public resources while leaving ecosystems  starved. Post-2024, its habitat has expanded to include "Mars colonization" subsidies, despite 78% of its terrestrial ventures failing.  

Control Measures:  

Antitrust enforcement and windfall taxes show efficacy, though I. sanguisuga often flees to jurisdictions like Texas or Singapore when threatened.