
Incertus sanguisuga - The Pick Me Leech
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Taxonomy of Incertus sanguisuga (Common Name: Pick-Me Leech)
*** Photo of the Pick Me Leech in the wild coming soon!
Kingdom:
Animalia
Phylum:
Chordata (though posture is perpetually hunched from coding marathons and congressional hearings)
Class:
Mammalia (disputed—exhibits reptilian thermoregulation due to cold-blooded data harvesting)
Order:
Oligarcha (subclade: *Techbro leechiformes*)
Family:
Rentieridae (specializes in monopolizing "social" ecosystems while being profoundly antisocial)
Genus:
Incertus (Latin for "uncertain," referencing both his facial expressions and moral compass)
Species:
I. sanguisuga (persistent bloodsucking, now with added desperation)
Description & Behavior:
Incertus sanguisuga, or the "Pick-Me Leech," is a pallid, orange-maned oligarch distinguished by its frantic limb-raising in gatherings of cooler billionaires. Despite controlling a metastasizing social media empire, it emits an aura of middle-school cafeteria desperation (see: gold chain, "PICK ME" plumage).
Key Adaptations:
- Bio-Luminescent Cringe: Skin fluoresces blue under UV light (side effect of 10,000 hours in VR "sunset meetings").
- Mating Display: Repeats "I think you’ll find our growth metrics very compelling" while sweating through a Patagonia vest.
- Defensive Mechanisms: Deploys pre-recorded laughter at Elon’s jokes to avoid exile from the Billionaire Cringe Pod.
Ecological Impact:
Sucks dopamine from adolescents while insisting it "builds community." Invasive in congressional hearings, where it molts into a suit and claims "I don’t recall." Primary habitat: Senate chambers, metaverse ghost towns.
Control Measures:
- Antitrust Spray: Temporarily shrinks its market share until it rebrands as "Meta 2: Zuck Boogaloo."
- Natural Predators: TikTok teens (immune to its awkwardness) and EU regulators (targets its nutrient-rich data veins).