Taxonomy of Incertus sanguisuga (Common Name: Pick-Me Leech) 

*** Photo of the Pick Me Leech in the wild coming soon!

Kingdom:

Animalia  

Phylum:

Chordata (though posture is perpetually hunched from coding marathons and congressional hearings) 

Class:

Mammalia (disputed—exhibits reptilian thermoregulation due to cold-blooded data harvesting)  

Order:

Oligarcha (subclade: *Techbro leechiformes*)  

Family:

Rentieridae (specializes in monopolizing "social" ecosystems while being profoundly antisocial)  

Genus:

Incertus (Latin for "uncertain," referencing both his facial expressions and moral compass)  

Species:

I. sanguisuga (persistent bloodsucking, now with added desperation)

Description & Behavior:

Incertus sanguisuga, or the "Pick-Me Leech," is a pallid, orange-maned oligarch distinguished by its frantic limb-raising in gatherings of cooler billionaires. Despite controlling a metastasizing social media empire, it emits an aura of middle-school cafeteria desperation (see: gold chain, "PICK ME" plumage).

Key Adaptations:

• Bio-Luminescent Cringe: Skin fluoresces blue under UV light (side effect of 10,000 hours in VR "sunset meetings").
• Mating Display: Repeats "I think you’ll find our growth metrics very compelling" while sweating through a Patagonia vest. 
• Defensive Mechanisms: Deploys pre-recorded laughter at Elon’s jokes to avoid exile from the Billionaire Cringe Pod.   

Ecological Impact:

Sucks dopamine from adolescents while insisting it "builds community." Invasive in congressional hearings, where it molts into a suit and claims "I don’t recall." Primary habitat: Senate chambers, metaverse ghost towns.  

Control Measures:  

• Antitrust Spray: Temporarily shrinks its market share until it rebrands as "Meta 2: Zuck Boogaloo."  
• Natural Predators: TikTok teens (immune to its awkwardness) and EU regulators (targets its nutrient-rich data veins).