Taxonomy of Garrulus sanguisuga (Common Name: The Barracks Leech)  

*** Photo of the Barracks Leech in the wild coming soon!

Kingdom:  

Animalia  

Phylum:  

Chordata (though spine often fails under the weight of stolen valor and cheap whiskey)  

Class:  

Mammalia (barely—exhibits amphibian-like dependence on liquid courage)  

Order:  

Militardea (a subclass of *Oligarcha* specializing in performative patriotism)  

Family:  

Griferidae (grifters who monetize nostalgia for wars they barely fought in)  

Genus:  

Garrulus (Latin for "blathering," referencing his on-air rants and drunken rambles)  

Species:  

G. sanguisuga (a bloodsucker wrapped in faux-gravitas)  

Description & Behavior:  

Garrulus sanguisuga, the "Barracks Leech," is a pasty, Kevlar-clad grifter who oscillates between faux-Spartan cosplay and slurred Fox News monologues. Despite his rank of Major, his greatest battle has been against sobriety, dragging a bottle of bourbon like a security blanket.  

Key Adaptations:  

• Toga Mimicry: Wraps itself in faux-Roman grandeur to distract from its lack of actual military distinction.  
• Liquid Camouflage: Exudes ethanol-scented pheromones to blend in with other washed-up talking heads.

Ecological Impact:  

Drains credibility from actual veterans while regurgitating jingoistic soundbites. Thrives in cable news greenrooms and booze filled boondoggles. This creature leaves a trail of empty bottles and debunked claims in its wake.  

Control Measures:  

• Fact-Checking Traps: Collapses when confronted with DD-214 forms.  
• Natural Predators: Sober journalists (rare) and annoyed Legionnaires (armed with rhetorical pitchforks).