Taxonomy of Coccinella servilis (Common Name: Bootlicker Beetle)  

*** Photo of the Bootlicker Beetle in the wild coming soon!

Kingdom: 

Animalia

Phylum:  

Arthropoda (though exoskeleton is suspiciously flexible when powerful men are nearby)  

Class:  

Insecta (despite exhibiting vertebrate-levels of spinelessness)  

Order:  

Coleoptera (subgroup: *Asskisserae*)  

Family:  

Coccinellidae (ladybugs, though this specimen has traded its spots for brown-nosing stains)  

Genus: 

Coccinella (ladybug, but with all dignity removed)  

Species:  

C. servilis (Latin for "servile," perfect for a pet insect that lives only to please its masters)  

Description & Behavior:

Coccinella servilis, the "Bootlicker Beetle," is a delicate, overly sensitive insect whose sole survival strategy involves humping furniture for attention before scurrying behind Elon or Trump for protection. Its bright, ladybug-like coloration is a warning sign—not of toxicity, but of unbearable neediness.  

Key Adaptations:

• Opportunistic Metamorphosis: Can shapeshift from "serious intellectual" to "couch-fucking gremlin" in seconds when elites are watching.  
• Defensive Cowering: When threatened, emits high-pitched tweets about "the elites" while hiding inTrump’s pocket.  
• Mating Display: Dry-humps any inanimate object if it means getting a pat on the head from Trump.  

Ecological Impact:  

• Pollinates nothing but right-wing egos.  
• Primary habitat: The inside of Elon’s spaceship fantasies and Trump’s legal defense funds.  
• Leaves behind a trail of abandoned principles and awkward couch stains.  

Control Measures:  

• Accountability Light: Shrivels under direct questioning.
• Natural Predators: Journalists who read his old tweets, actual working-class voters.
• Repellents: A single history book (paralyzes him for days).